Yesterday someone said something that resonated with me.
He said, “The grass isn’t greener. Learn to accept the brown.”
My immediate response is that this is someone who isn’t happy, but that’s kind of a dismissive statement. And he doesn’t know me, so he can’t really speak to the nuances of my situation. That said, I have worked in 3 different areas of my organization in 2.75 years. That’s a lot. It makes me doubt myself because other people don’t leave and it scares me that I’m so willing to.
Am I expecting perfection?
I know about denial, but honestly, my moves all had reasons and they were multifaceted – except this one. Well, that’s not true. My boss is a shit manager; she lied to me on multiple occasions about multiple things, talked to me like a disobedient child, and basically created a situation that was toxic. So I left. It’s a risk to go unemployed, but I’m interviewing and looking for better.
Today is my last day with my current gig, and I hate it. I hate the work I’m doing, which is yet another indicator that I am not in the right area for me. My skills can be used anywhere, but I want to be interested in the subject matter and I’m not interested in global health. At least, not from this corporate position. And I’m still in the process of trying things out before settling down. Unfortunately, nothing has been a good fit.
So, I quit my job. Today is my last day. I’m happy and worried and sad because I’m disappointed in myself, but whatever.
So, back to the brown. I know there is no such thing as perfection. I’ve never sought perfections. But I refuse to whittle down my expectations to the point that I will accept anything. That’s not how I roll. I am always going to have hope that it can be better.
I need it to be better.
Unfortunately, I need to feel valued and that what I’m doing matters. It’s one of the reasons I went into public health: I wanted to do more than make someone richer. I wanted to feel like my work contributed to the greater good in some way, but it’s hard to see when your work never leaves the cubicle, or the organization.
I need it to be better.
And it may never get better. I may always end up in a job where I feel out of place, marginalized, and impotent. I may never find a place where I can be myself and work on projects that matter to me. I might be forever stuck in a bureaucratic nightmare of choked-off information, but who can say. What I can say is that if every road leads there, at least I tried to find a road that ended somewhere different.
If it doesn’t get better, then it won’t be because I haven’t tried.