When I don't like someone, I don't associate with them. It's just how I roll. I don't waste a lot of time trying to be friends with them or understand them...I don't really give a fuck and it's a waste of both of our time. If we were meant to be friends, it would happen because we are both interested in it. But if we don't like each other, there's probably a reason. And if there isn't, so what? We don't have to like everyone.
Every once in a while, there's a person I like who I can't avoid. We may have friends in common, or find ourselves invited to the same events. I don't want to make my friends choose, because they might not choose me, plus, other people click in ways that I don't. It's all good...except I keep having to interact with that person I don't like.
When I don't like something and I have to deal with it, I notice it. I REALLY notice it. Sometimes I can ignore it, but it's an active ignoring - it's the blister on my foot that I've decided to pretend isn't there, but I am constantly aware that it's there because it hurts. I'm not saying that having to acknowledge someone I don't like hurts...actually that is EXACTLY what's I'm saying. Having to interact with a person I don't like hurts me. It almost feels like I'm giving that person too much power, but no. I just refuse to feel pressured to acknowledge someone in my personal life that I do not want to acknowledge. I refuse to accept someone in my personal space who I do not want in that space. It's toxic to me and I'm over it.
While styling my hair this morning, I was chastising myself for holding a grudge. Sometime, early in the chastisement, I heard myself. I heard what I was saying. I was shaming myself for how I felt. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I feel how I feel, and that's okay. Actually, that's great. I don't need permission to dislike someone. I've been saying it for years, but every once in a while someone sneaks past my wall and I realize that I'm beating myself up for disliking them. Thing is, it's my fucking right to dislike you. You don't have to be mean or rude (although it helps). You don't have to do anything bad to me. Sometimes I just don't like you and that's fine. I am willing to do the work to see if there is a tangible reason - especially if I find myself having to associate with you, but as long as it's not because of a superficial reason (i.e. I think you are physically unattractive) then I'll trust myself.
There's a person in my periphery that I don't like. I'm not sure how to expel this person from my life without damaging some of the relationships they touch, but I'll figure it out. I mean, what choice do I have, right? And this dislike is based on many things, not the least of which is that they are a self-absorbed asshole. They aren't genuine with people - everything is this shallow persona that reveals nothing. Or when it does seem to reveal something, you don't trust it because it's so selfish and vain. Ugh. There has been repeated conflict with this person and their conflict resolution skills are so minimal that it actually exacerbates problems.
So I'm angry. And I know I'm angry. I don't want to be angry because it's a waste of my time, but, you know, I feel how I feel. And I have no option of resolution because I don't value the relationship in any way except for the other relationships they touch.
But I'll work it out - even if it's just with myself. Because that's what I do. I work shit out and keep things moving.