Living my life as authentically as I can.

Welcome! 

I write about what I see, feel, live and you are welcome to share the experience as I share them.

The Me I See

The Me I See

 

 

Every time I see a new picture of myself, I have to reconcile what I thought I would see with what I actually see.

That is to say, I have to merge my mental image of myself with my actual image.

And I know, a lot of photography has to do with angles and lighting and poses – and I am not a professional. I work with professionals, but I’m just someone who likes to have a little fun.

Today I had a professional photo shoot and it was fun. A lot of fun, actually. But then I saw the pictures.

I *thought* I had different looks on my face.

I *thought* I’d held my body differently.

I *thought* I looked good, you know, a little cute, a little sexy, and a lot of fun.

What I saw was my double chin. And my large arms. And my thick waist.  And huge breasts.

What I saw was not cute, sexy, or fun. I saw a fat woman being fat. And I hated it.

But that was my first look.

I’ve found that when I receive my images, I need to look through them several times, take a couple of days to process, look at them again and process some more.

After about a week, I can look at and appreciate the images for what they are. I can accept that this is what I look like and that if I think I’m beautiful then they are beautiful.

But I will freely admit, it’s a process. And that’s because we live in a society that tells us to hate ourselves for being fat…and I don’t hate myself, quite the opposite, actually. I love myself. So when I face the reality of my fatness, it causes a cognitive disconnect – it make me stutter and pause as I have to relearn to love myself – or rather, as I learn to love who I see.

This happens every single time I take pictures, unless that picture is that one angle that makes me look completely proportional and not as big as I am i.e. the picture that tells the lie I want to believe. 

It is what it is. I know that in a week, these won’t bother me at all, but for the moment, I have to learn to love them.

I should mention that the photographer, Dru Phillips, was awesome. I love working with him. He just makes you feel like you belong in front of the camera, regardless of how you feel after the fact. 

Here are some preview shots.

My Cloak of Invisibility

My Cloak of Invisibility

2015 Anime Recap - What I Watched

2015 Anime Recap - What I Watched

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