Living my life as authentically as I can.

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I write about what I see, feel, live and you are welcome to share the experience as I share them.

Random Thoughts - Everyone's a Liar

Random Thoughts - Everyone's a Liar

Last month I took a cruise in the Caribbean. While there were some really fun parts of the experience, I really didn’t like it. In fact, I kinda hated it from the moment the ship pulled out and I realized I was stuck. I tried to shift gears, but there were just too many things happening at the same time for me to relax and I didn’t like it.

I know I’m supposed to like it. I’m supposed to come back feeling relaxed, energized, and appreciative of the experience. I’m should appreciate the time with my spouse, and I do appreciate that I was able to try a new experience and share it with someone, but, man, I really didn’t like it. I hated being on the boat. I hated the food. I hated the weather. I hated the bathrooms. I hated the trip.  In fact, the only thing that made it bearable was my partner.

And now I feel funny about it. Not quite guilty, but like I would be a bad person for not liking it. I can appreciate the hard work the organizers put into this event. They were awesome. They did everything in their power to make this a fun experience. They organized meet-ups on the ship, and a costume contest but didn’t try to guilt you into participating in any of it. You could hang with them or go do your own thing. We pretty much did our own thing and I didn’t like it. And I honestly don’t think that it could have been better.

We also had some weird social dynamics going on – we’re working through some evolving relationships and figuring out what that means for us and how we socialize. It’s really not fun, but it’s life.

So, upon my return, I felt, well, crappy. And while I was okay with feeling crappy, when people asked and I told them, I was, more than once, chastised for not being in a better mood.

That’s right. I was reprimanded, chastised, and pushed into pretending to feel better about something than I did. That’s some shit that really confuses me. Like, why was my bad time a problem for people and why did I give a fuck?

I actually sat back and started second guessing myself. I started doubting my perception of the trip. It was as though other people’s dislike of my experience made me doubt the validity of it. I’m not quite sure how or why that happens, especially with people who weren’t on the trip to begin with, but there I was, wondering if I really hated the trip. And for a moment I actually considered telling people I had a good time so that I wouldn’t feel pressured to explain why I didn’t like it.

And I really didn’t like it.

So here I was, in another situation where people didn’t want to hear my honesty. Where sharing my actual feelings, instead of what they expected to hear was just me being negative. This bullshit social pressure to constantly make other people comfortable with our experiences is ridiculous. That we reward people for lying is just dumb. Then we wonder why people struggle with being honest with themselves…ugh.

My experience talking about my shitty cruise, and it was a shitty experience for me in a lot of ways, reminded me how people will try to erase your experience for their comfort. We reward people for pretending things are better than they are – the flip side being that we punish people for telling the truth. We call it “negative” thinking and “positive” thinking and then create an environment where you are punished for your honesty. Then we create this fake environment where every pretends things are great to avoid punishment, thereby ignoring fixable situations.

THIS IS FUCKERY!

This is fuckery in its highest form. This is so fucktastic that there aren’t enough variations of the word “fuck” to do it justice. It’s like, fuck our problems. Fuck our social ills. Fake it till you make it but because even though we never actually say what making it is and we never address why shit is fucked up, we can sit and spin in our fake positivity until we stroke out because fake shit is the best shit.

Except when it’s not.

So while I’m glad for the reminder of people’s constant lying, it’s kinda sad and frustrating. I keep trying to move my relationships into a positive space where we can be honest, but man, it’s tough. Especially when things go so much easier when you lie – at least, in the short run.

Can we just stop lying all the time?

Barring that, can you stop trying to make me lie to you? Please?

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