Living my life as authentically as I can.

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I write about what I see, feel, live and you are welcome to share the experience as I share them.

Creative Block

Creative Block

Illustrations courtesy of Sean Kelly (aka Bucket'o'Thought)

Today I’m feeling a lot more introspective than usual, which amazes even me at this point. I try not to live in my own head but I do spend a lot of time there. Shit, all my time. I just know that to survive, I need to escape that place and interact with the world. Despite that, I always end up spinning my wheels and figuring out what I need to do next.

This week I’m having the classic creator struggle – what to write. I keep looking for ways to be inspired. I keep trying to think of topics that I think may interest other people. I keep trying to figure out how to get ahead of the ball and get some recognition...and then I stop. I stop because I promised myself that I would create things I wanted to create, not shit I thought would drive traffic or get attention. I stop because I realize that I’m not being true to myself.

And that’s hard for me because I REALLY want an audience. I want people to want to read my blog and see what I’m up to. I want people to be interested enough to click a link. Then I ask myself, “for what?” If you haven’t noticed, my blog comments are closed because I don’t want people to comment. I share my stuff in some forums and see what commentary I get – sometimes it’s good, sometimes there’s none, and sometimes I get my ass handed to me. It’s all good, though. Right now I have a group that I’m scared to post in because they ripped me a new one, but I’m telling myself that I’m going to go back because fuck them. I can say what the fuck I want. I will deal with the fallout.

Illustrations courtesy of Sean Kelly (aka Bucket'o'Thought)

But it all comes back to the question of my end game. Why am I doing this? What do I want? Overall, I want a lot of things. I want to write. I want to write about shit that interests me. I want people to read it because it interests them. I want to put my ideas out there and, in a limited scope, I want to hear/read other people’s ideas. I want to collaborate. I want to promote. I want to synthesize information and share it. I want to try different ways of sharing information. I want to flex my creative muscle and learn new skills. I want to be a part of something a bit bigger than my personal network. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to live out loud.

And the only way I know how to do that is to create from the heart. Sometimes, I have very pointed things to say – clear messages and ideas. Other days, like today…hell, like this week, I am muddled and all over the place. I don’t make sense. I feel overwhelmed by the goals I’ve set for myself and underwhelmed by the perceived payoff. I know I don’t create to receive in return…I have tons of journals and notebooks demonstrating that. But for some reason I keep returning to that question: what’s the point of doing this?

Illustrations courtesy of Sean Kelly (aka Bucket'o'Thought)

I struggle with this same question with my cosplay. I am not a good actress. I am not a huge comic fan. I am not an engineer. I will only learn enough to reach my immediate goal. I do not want to be a great sewer, or prop maker. I just want to make what I need to create my look. I am constantly shamed by the time, energy, money, and effort other people put in to create their cosplays and I keep asking myself why am I even trying?

I’ve asked myself this question over and over about many things I do and I keep coming back to the conclusion that it’s because I want to do it. I don’t necessarily know the why, or maybe I’m not ready to admit it to myself. I just know that I have this interest…this drive and I’m not going to ignore it. So, even though I don’t have a clearly defined goal, even though I don’t have a desired outcome, even though I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing or what it will mean in the future, I’m still going to do it.

I’m here. Living out loud because fuck it. Why not?

Casual Gamer

Casual Gamer

The Reimagining of Self: Why I Love Marvel’s Typhoid Mary

The Reimagining of Self: Why I Love Marvel’s Typhoid Mary