Living my life as authentically as I can.

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I write about what I see, feel, live and you are welcome to share the experience as I share them.

To the Sad, Scared, Ignorant White People

To the Sad, Scared, Ignorant White People

Fuck you.

I have spent my entire life having to prove to you that I human. I have spent my entire life having to demonstrate how I’m just like you, except brown. I’ve had to prove it to my classmates, my teachers, my school administrators, my bosses, coworkers, car salesmen, store clerks, police, doctors, nurses, white strangers walking down the street.

I’ve had to prove it to every fucking random ass white person I’ve met and didn’t give a fuck about because that’s what it means to live & survive in this country.

I’ve had to explain where my ideas came from, as if I don’t fucking have the capacity to think or use my imagination.

I’ve had my ability to speak and write well questioned with amazement because how the fuck can a Black person have these skills.

Once, when I was in college, a classmate slapped me “as a joke” and I stood there, running through the consequences of beating her ass in my dorm room surrounded by nothing but rich white kids in a rich white school, knowing that retaliating would probably lead to my expulsion. And I backed down because my father mortgaged our fucking house so that I could be there and I refused to fuck it up for my self-worth.

Because that’s what you do to navigate whiteness in this country. You fucking back down again and again and again because to stand up means you will be outcast, quickly. Day after day, emotional hit after hit as my humanity is constantly called into question and the value of my Black life openly diminished.

Then I get to turn on any media and hear white people whining about having to share the stage. White people actively upset that everything isn’t handed to them. White people who are told in every possible way that they are the best and deserve to have the best, and that if they don’t, it’s because some Black person or POC stole it from them. I watch unskilled men get high paid positions and fuck them up. I get told to listen to some jackass who has no experience in my field. I get to hear white boys and white men talk and say nothing, polluting the air with their toxic and useless thoughts, as we wait for them to shut up so that actual work can get done.

I get to navigate the minefield of white woman insecurity as they try to diminish me, undermine my self-worth, aggressively challenge my abilities, and steal my ideas. I get to sit in meetings where they penalize me for existing by policing my every movement until my goal stops being to do my job and instead becomes how to stay perfectly still and unnoticed, where even breathing causes the meeting to stop and them to question why my breath is so loud.

I get to watch white people be fucking disruptive and unproductive, fucking hindrances to the job – yet get raises, promotions, and experience a job security I’ve never known. I, who have gotten fired for being too sad in the office, or being combative because I actually did my job. I don’t get the benefit of the doubt or second chances. I get written up and threatened to be fired. Like I was for being sad when my father died.

So, when I see these bullshit articles, news stories, think pieces, TV shows, and movies begging me to understand where these fucking racists who are actively calling for my removal from my country by either deportation or death? When I see white people telling me I need to be understanding of the white pain of their mediocrity? When I see white people telling me I need to give my sympathy and empathy to these fuckers who were born poor but have greater access to programs and jobs to alleviate that poverty than anyone who looks like me has ever had?

Fuck them. Fuck the writers. Fuck the producers. Fuck the publishers. And fuck anyone who asks me to have any generosity of spirit to these shitty people. They know what they are doing. They’ve always known. Now they just don’t have to hide it anymore.

In the 10 minutes I was on social media this morning I saw the following:

At 3 a.m., NC Senate GOP strips education funding from Democrats’ districts

Torch-wielding protesters gather at Lee Park                                                

Stephen Fry Explains Why Some People Believe Everything Donald Trump Says

I’m tired of seeing shit promoting these people. I’m tired of the media and “nice” white people trying to convince me that they are deserving of my time, energy, or emotions. They aren’t. I’m angry that I’m wasting my time ranting about this shit right now, except that I’m fucking being bombarded every goddamn day with messaging telling me that I should pity these fucking 45 supporters. That I should try to help them. That I should listen to their side. Well, shit. I did help them. I told them not to vote for his ass. I told them that racism doesn’t actually help anyone. That oppression is dangerous and harmful. That electing that asshole was dangerous for everyone. That there is a swath of this country that believes that they deserve to live on the backs of Black people and POCs…and I said it hoping that they were not one of them.

What I learned is that they are. They are the worst kind, the ones who are but think they aren’t. They are the liars, the deceivers, some too ignorant to recognize their own ignorance but capable of hearing the white power message and interpreting it as white excellence.

And some just believe in white power and white excellence, even when they won’t admit it.

There is no white excellence, just white brutality. There is no white power, just white insecurity. Because throughout history, white people don’t compete. Instead, they murder their competition. They enslave them. They take the useful parts of everyone’s culture, viciously rip out our excellence and stuff white mediocrity in its carcass. Then they sell the message of being the best while they rot inside the corpse they made, slowly suffocating themselves and everyone around them.

Whiteness is a global parasite that has destroyed its ecosystem in its greed. And no one will destroy them because none of us want to be like them…pale skinned monsters who don’t recognize their own destruction.

I’m fucking tired, y’all.

I’m tired of watching this game play out the same way it has. I’m tired of listening to the same shit. I’m tired of white supremacy. I’m tired of its intentional obliviousness to the harm it does.

I’m tired of seeing its enactors and benefactors explain away their cruelty.

I want to be the monster we need to end this. I really do. But apparently not enough because here I am, writing about it and doing nothing.

I’d love to see this come to a peaceful resolution, but white supremacists, both the powered and the empowered, make that impossible.

They are taking all their shots. Here’s to hoping we continue to survive them.

Violence is the White Normal

Violence is the White Normal

I Promised My White Husband The Space To Fuck Up On Racism — And It Hurts Like Hell

I Promised My White Husband The Space To Fuck Up On Racism — And It Hurts Like Hell