The Me I See
Every time I see a new picture of myself, I have to reconcile what I thought I would see with what I actually see.
That is to say, I have to merge my mental image of myself with my actual image.
And I know, a lot of photography has to do with angles and lighting and poses – and I am not a professional. I work with professionals, but I’m just someone who likes to have a little fun.
Today I had a professional photo shoot and it was fun. A lot of fun, actually. But then I saw the pictures.
I *thought* I had different looks on my face.
I *thought* I’d held my body differently.
I *thought* I looked good, you know, a little cute, a little sexy, and a lot of fun.
What I saw was my double chin. And my large arms. And my thick waist. And huge breasts.
What I saw was not cute, sexy, or fun. I saw a fat woman being fat. And I hated it.
But that was my first look.
I’ve found that when I receive my images, I need to look through them several times, take a couple of days to process, look at them again and process some more.
After about a week, I can look at and appreciate the images for what they are. I can accept that this is what I look like and that if I think I’m beautiful then they are beautiful.
But I will freely admit, it’s a process. And that’s because we live in a society that tells us to hate ourselves for being fat…and I don’t hate myself, quite the opposite, actually. I love myself. So when I face the reality of my fatness, it causes a cognitive disconnect – it make me stutter and pause as I have to relearn to love myself – or rather, as I learn to love who I see.
This happens every single time I take pictures, unless that picture is that one angle that makes me look completely proportional and not as big as I am i.e. the picture that tells the lie I want to believe.
It is what it is. I know that in a week, these won’t bother me at all, but for the moment, I have to learn to love them.
I should mention that the photographer, Dru Phillips, was awesome. I love working with him. He just makes you feel like you belong in front of the camera, regardless of how you feel after the fact.
Here are some preview shots.