Today I’m feeling a lot more introspective than usual, which amazes even me at this point. I try not to live in my own head but I do spend a lot of time there. Shit, all my time. I just know that to survive, I need to escape that place and interact with the world. Despite that, I always end up spinning my wheels and figuring out what I need to do next.
This week I’m having the classic creator struggle – what to write. I keep looking for ways to be inspired. I keep trying to think of topics that I think may interest other people. I keep trying to figure out how to get ahead of the ball and get some recognition...and then I stop. I stop because I promised myself that I would create things I wanted to create, not shit I thought would drive traffic or get attention. I stop because I realize that I’m not being true to myself.
And that’s hard for me because I REALLY want an audience. I want people to want to read my blog and see what I’m up to. I want people to be interested enough to click a link. Then I ask myself, “for what?” If you haven’t noticed, my blog comments are closed because I don’t want people to comment. I share my stuff in some forums and see what commentary I get – sometimes it’s good, sometimes there’s none, and sometimes I get my ass handed to me. It’s all good, though. Right now I have a group that I’m scared to post in because they ripped me a new one, but I’m telling myself that I’m going to go back because fuck them. I can say what the fuck I want. I will deal with the fallout.
But it all comes back to the question of my end game. Why am I doing this? What do I want? Overall, I want a lot of things. I want to write. I want to write about shit that interests me. I want people to read it because it interests them. I want to put my ideas out there and, in a limited scope, I want to hear/read other people’s ideas. I want to collaborate. I want to promote. I want to synthesize information and share it. I want to try different ways of sharing information. I want to flex my creative muscle and learn new skills. I want to be a part of something a bit bigger than my personal network. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to live out loud.
And the only way I know how to do that is to create from the heart. Sometimes, I have very pointed things to say – clear messages and ideas. Other days, like today…hell, like this week, I am muddled and all over the place. I don’t make sense. I feel overwhelmed by the goals I’ve set for myself and underwhelmed by the perceived payoff. I know I don’t create to receive in return…I have tons of journals and notebooks demonstrating that. But for some reason I keep returning to that question: what’s the point of doing this?
I struggle with this same question with my cosplay. I am not a good actress. I am not a huge comic fan. I am not an engineer. I will only learn enough to reach my immediate goal. I do not want to be a great sewer, or prop maker. I just want to make what I need to create my look. I am constantly shamed by the time, energy, money, and effort other people put in to create their cosplays and I keep asking myself why am I even trying?
I’ve asked myself this question over and over about many things I do and I keep coming back to the conclusion that it’s because I want to do it. I don’t necessarily know the why, or maybe I’m not ready to admit it to myself. I just know that I have this interest…this drive and I’m not going to ignore it. So, even though I don’t have a clearly defined goal, even though I don’t have a desired outcome, even though I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing or what it will mean in the future, I’m still going to do it.
I’m here. Living out loud because fuck it. Why not?