Fanfiction: How Civil War Would Have Gone Down If I Had A Seat At The Table
The Avengers assemble in the conference room in response to a call for a meeting.
Vision: It seems Tony brought a visitor.
TaLynn: To the secret Avenger sanctuary?
Sam: Well, it’s got a big “A” on it so it’s not that secret.
TaLynn: *stands* To the superhero sanctuary, then? Is that better? You feel like that’s the correct terminology?
Steve: I mean, guy and ga…
Steve: TaLynn. Sam. Please.
Tony walks into the room followed by a pale man in a suit.
Rhody: Aw shit….
Tony: I brought Secretary of State Thaddeus Ross. He has something he wants to go over with us.
TaLynn: What did we tell you about bringing strangers to the sanctuary?
Tony: Well, I own it, so…
TaLynn: Is this the conversation you want to have right now?
Tony: There is no conversation. I do own it.
TaLynn: Imma let this go for the moment, but we are going to talk about this “owning shit” later.
Steve: So what’s going on?
T. Ross: *pulls giant book out of his briefcase* This is 117 countries saying they don’t want you running all willy-nilly through their countries. Here’s some laws they want in place about y’all…
Vision: Makes sense.
Natasha: I can dig it.
TaLynn: What the actual fuck?
Tony: *looks at floor*
T. Ross: So you need to sign it.
Steve: Or what?
T. Ross: Or you’ll be criminals if you do anything.
TaLynn: Wait. So if we sign it, we are under your command and if we don’t then we’re criminals if we help with any incidents?
T. Ross: Basically.
TaLynn: *looks at Vision and Natasha* And y’all are just okay with this bullshit?
Vision: Well, we’re causing a lot of problems. Our existence invites conflict.
Natasha: This is the way the wind is blowing…
TaLynn: According to Vision’s logic, if we off ourselves, this shit will fade out. Anybody want Kool-aid? The Jim Jones kind, not this paper shit T. Ross brought.
Steve: TaLynn, let’s just hear him out.
Steve: *turns to T. Ross* Please, continue.
T. Ross: Well, I have this video designed to make you feel bad about people caught in the crossfire…
Sam: I love movies!
Tony: *looks down*
T. Ross: The Battle of New York.
TaLynn: Oh, you mean the day the sky opened and murdering aliens came through until we stopped that shit? Or, what I like to call “the day the government tried to nuke NYC.”
Sam: What you mean nuke?
Steve: We didn’t release that information publically, but yeah. They fired a nuclear weapon at NYC. Tony saved us from the government oversight. Right, Tony?
Tony: *continues looking at floor*
Steve: RIGHT TONY?
Natasha: *to Tony* You’re being weird.
Steve: *turns to T. Ross* You got any more of that “Avengers suck footage?”
T. Ross: Sure do! *starts ups the DVR* Washington DC, where you dropped those helicarriers on people.
Steve: Oh you mean before they killed a quarter million “potential threats” on their first pass?
TaLynn: Also, run by H.Y.D.R.A. You know, the super secret, anti-freedom organization that y’all recruited scientists from to work inside S.H.I.E.L.D. Whose brilliant idea was that anyway?
Steve: Let’s not get into that right no…
TaLynn: Wasn’t it Tony’s dad and your ex-girlfriend’s?
Steve: I said not now.
TaLynn: Oh, so now we just take the blame for solving big ass problems other people made? Whatever…
T. Ross: It’s not the problem solving. It’s the civilian causalities that are the problem.
TaLynn: Wait…so you’re saying you had a plan to minimize causalities?
T. Ross: We could have evacuated the area.
TaLynn: Steve was a fucking fugitive. You didn’t care what he had to say. Shit, had he listened to y’all, at least a million people would have been killed. Where’s my tea? This conversation needs some goddamn tea.
T. Ross: Tea?
Sam: Don’t worry about it. So, yeah. We were flying under the radar on that one. Haha, see what I did there?
Sam: I laughed at your tea comment. Just sayin’.
Steve: *looking unamused* Anything else you need to show us?
T. Ross: I saved the best for last. Sokovia.
Collective groan. Wanda tries to crawl under the table. Tony turns invisible.
TaLynn: Where the FUCK did Tony go? *Turns to Rhody* Can you do that?
Rhody: Nah. It takes an epic amount of guilt to activate that feature.
T. Ross: What do you mean “guilt”? What’s Tony got to feel guilty about?
Sam: Isn’t that why you brought the video? To incite guilt?
T. Ross: Well, yeah, but Tony brought me and only Wanda is trying to hide…wait, where’s Vision?
T. Ross: What aren’t you telling me?
TaLynn: That’s one hell of a side effect. I don’t think Tony thought that shit out.
T. Ross: Somebody tell me what the HELL is going on. Steve! I DEMAND you answer me.
Steve: *Settling into his seat comfortably* I don’t answer to you.
T. Ross: And that’s exactly the problem. You don’t answer to anyone. You need to be put in check.
Steve: By who? You? The U.S. government who makes a habit of hiring criminals and making them super weapons?
TaLynn: Yeah, man. We need to stay out of that. You gonna need us to fix that shit when it goes bad.
T. Ross: It’s not going to go bad.
TaLynn: Because you have such a great track record of that so far.
T. Ross: Look, you need to sign these Accords.
TaLynn: I’m not sure if you see how the wind’s blowing in here, but we ain’t signing shit. And you can’t do shit about it because if you imprison us, nobody will be around to save you from your shit. Or another country’s shit. Or over the top terrorist shit. Or outer space shit. So how about you leave our not so secret facility and we’ll pretend this shit never happened. K?
T. Ross: This isn’t the end of this.
Steve: Probably not. Doesn’t mean it’s gonna go your way, though.
T. Ross: *putting the Accords back in his bag and walking out* I’ll be in touch.
Steve: I’m sure you will.
TaLynn: Anybody know where Fury is? Think he has any insight on this? Haha see what I did there…
Sam: I ain’t laughing at your jokes anymore, TaLynn.
TaLynn: Whatever. Where’s Tony. Somebody better get his ass a therapist. He ain’t acting right.
And this is why I couldn’t have written Civil War cuz I don’t think anybody wants to watch two hours of Weird Day at Avengers Not-So-Secret Sanctuary.